I'm a bit ticked. Apparently, I lost yesterday's blog entry. I dislike that. Now I can barely recall what I wrote about on the majority of it. Such is life, I guess. It might be for the better, since I'm finding it hard to tap the inward narrative to get authentic here. Some, I know, I will regain with patience, but most I fear is this dulled edges of my awareness, as I hit resistance that resides as a morass on the periphery of my consciousness, built up to defend and sustain from the percieved near-failure of the Great Experiment. It might be the GE itself, whose third year mark passed without my notice until now, a week after. I can deflect success into blindspots, and three years of the continued GE, with its overall positive proof of the theorem of independence, is a success that I should feel more elated about. In the end, I think I'm simply off-center, and that is creating a harder time with perspective.
I so need to relax. I pray that I am right that my new boss is too damn cheap to pay for the drug test, and I can pass through the safe period in about a week. I miss my in-brain vacations. Although I will recontinue lost small experiments in silence and other perceptual enhancement, that can all be done without chemical assistance, I could use the help, simply by idling my system for a few hours. My several month dry spell has led to some interesting conclusions, mostly that it is after-consumption where my perceptual awareness is improved. The Nowness of a good high might be the cause of that. Hopefully I will out soon. I have sent out feelers with a housefriend about the acquistion of some mushrooms. I've placed much thought into the possible gains of a weak dosage that will result in, as he put it more succinctly, "a head change." But it's late in the season, and this may end up being moot. We'll see.
Overall, least I am putting thought again into returning to the productive experimentation. But I am extremely cautious. Although I wouldn't regret the last epiphany for all the bagels in New York City, I have to own that I over compensated, and fell into the spiral that lead to my fault in the job loss. Have to stay Middle Way without falling to false compromise and hubris again. I'd be happy to just regain the sense of motion again, there is alot to be done just to repair my vessel.
One thing I should finally stop avoiding here, as it does have a powerful effect on my life, is that I've fallen madly in love. Its totally irrational, and impossible. He's in Illinois, and I've never even seen what he looks like. It's cyber. I'd thought I'd learned after my relationship with Flea. But, I am in love, for all the rationalizations I've gone through. I could as easily not be in love with him as I could become a Log Cabin Republican. He's simply a swell guy, who returns love with a compassion that washes over me and cleanses me. I know I'm mad for getting into this, moreso because I hate being in love because it is so irrational and unanswerable to personal control. But then, what else have I been looking for, but to feel something irrational and out of my personal control. I have no idea what will come of this, but all I know is that for it, the heavens will shake, the earth will abide not, and the aardvark will lay down with the ocelot. Universe bless it.
I love you, D.
To bed with the crazy person.
"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart."
-Marcus Aurellius
I so need to relax. I pray that I am right that my new boss is too damn cheap to pay for the drug test, and I can pass through the safe period in about a week. I miss my in-brain vacations. Although I will recontinue lost small experiments in silence and other perceptual enhancement, that can all be done without chemical assistance, I could use the help, simply by idling my system for a few hours. My several month dry spell has led to some interesting conclusions, mostly that it is after-consumption where my perceptual awareness is improved. The Nowness of a good high might be the cause of that. Hopefully I will out soon. I have sent out feelers with a housefriend about the acquistion of some mushrooms. I've placed much thought into the possible gains of a weak dosage that will result in, as he put it more succinctly, "a head change." But it's late in the season, and this may end up being moot. We'll see.
Overall, least I am putting thought again into returning to the productive experimentation. But I am extremely cautious. Although I wouldn't regret the last epiphany for all the bagels in New York City, I have to own that I over compensated, and fell into the spiral that lead to my fault in the job loss. Have to stay Middle Way without falling to false compromise and hubris again. I'd be happy to just regain the sense of motion again, there is alot to be done just to repair my vessel.
One thing I should finally stop avoiding here, as it does have a powerful effect on my life, is that I've fallen madly in love. Its totally irrational, and impossible. He's in Illinois, and I've never even seen what he looks like. It's cyber. I'd thought I'd learned after my relationship with Flea. But, I am in love, for all the rationalizations I've gone through. I could as easily not be in love with him as I could become a Log Cabin Republican. He's simply a swell guy, who returns love with a compassion that washes over me and cleanses me. I know I'm mad for getting into this, moreso because I hate being in love because it is so irrational and unanswerable to personal control. But then, what else have I been looking for, but to feel something irrational and out of my personal control. I have no idea what will come of this, but all I know is that for it, the heavens will shake, the earth will abide not, and the aardvark will lay down with the ocelot. Universe bless it.
I love you, D.
To bed with the crazy person.
"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart."
-Marcus Aurellius
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