Friday. Well, my Friday. German tavern. Lowenbrau and bratwurst mit sauerkraut.
I've regained the proper patina of structure with the return to the repetitive mundanity of checking in and out hotel employees. The regain in order of course means that everything else is falling toward the comfortable chaos I know and love. By the sixth chapter of the Diamond Sutra, Buddha is beating me about the head, and I'm thankful for one of the few object lessons from the last job, the one on how to keep a straight act when my reality is crumbling underneath me. So to temper the Buddhism, I've chosen some lighter reading, an introduction to Zoroastrianism. Lighter reading is always a relative affair with me, apparently. If I could become a monotheist, I'd go with Ahura-Mazda hands-down. It's like God without all the later useless accessories included free of charge with the Judeo-Christian package deal. I've felt the rewarding liberal persecution I've missed so much, when the required annoying moron co-worker told me I should stop reading The Nation Magazine, since it was (and I quote verbatim) "written by a bunch of pussies." Wait until I get to the reading of Das Kapital I'm planning after I polish off this load of books. The rest of my co-workers either share the comfortable camaraderie of job alienation, or better, they are fellow geek slackers. Ah, the brotherhood of my fellow laborers. The Revolution is neigh, just after the next undone patrol and lingering lunch. Okay, my job sucks, but at this point, I'm simply happy enough to be able to get back to what really counts, my progession as a reasonable facsimile of a human being.
I can literally feel my brain reawakening. It's a joyous thing, even if I know I come across as underenthused about my improved condition. I spent last family dinner bunkered in my room, because I couldn't process the social stuff that night. The job is good for how automatic it is, I can do it under any condition, but otherwise, I am wholly unfocused externally. I wish I could bring across the immense amount of myself I am sinking into... myself... just to reactivate lines of thinking and feeling deadened to a mote, while I was unemployed, and spending most of my time fighting off the idea that the Great Experiment had failed, so I could fall back into the Way of Failure as I always have. I felt a hell of alot worse than I let on, really, because I was even more tired of unloading my dramatic misery onto others, pointlessly. I've decided not to try to turn back now and glorify the mistakes and missteps made in my last job as a "learning experience" like I usually do. That past is dead, what I learned has been taken already, and the future looms all-encompassing as it is. It's not that I don't want to move on, but that moving on itself is a useless practice from which I gain entirely too little. That kind of empowerment is a raft that helped cross the river once or twice, but now needs to be cut free before I walk along the shore I've arrived. Buddha says so, and for once, I'll trust in someone bigger than myself for that. Even if I'm him. But we won't go there, quite yet. To summate: I never knew chaos could be this comforting.
I've regained the proper patina of structure with the return to the repetitive mundanity of checking in and out hotel employees. The regain in order of course means that everything else is falling toward the comfortable chaos I know and love. By the sixth chapter of the Diamond Sutra, Buddha is beating me about the head, and I'm thankful for one of the few object lessons from the last job, the one on how to keep a straight act when my reality is crumbling underneath me. So to temper the Buddhism, I've chosen some lighter reading, an introduction to Zoroastrianism. Lighter reading is always a relative affair with me, apparently. If I could become a monotheist, I'd go with Ahura-Mazda hands-down. It's like God without all the later useless accessories included free of charge with the Judeo-Christian package deal. I've felt the rewarding liberal persecution I've missed so much, when the required annoying moron co-worker told me I should stop reading The Nation Magazine, since it was (and I quote verbatim) "written by a bunch of pussies." Wait until I get to the reading of Das Kapital I'm planning after I polish off this load of books. The rest of my co-workers either share the comfortable camaraderie of job alienation, or better, they are fellow geek slackers. Ah, the brotherhood of my fellow laborers. The Revolution is neigh, just after the next undone patrol and lingering lunch. Okay, my job sucks, but at this point, I'm simply happy enough to be able to get back to what really counts, my progession as a reasonable facsimile of a human being.
I can literally feel my brain reawakening. It's a joyous thing, even if I know I come across as underenthused about my improved condition. I spent last family dinner bunkered in my room, because I couldn't process the social stuff that night. The job is good for how automatic it is, I can do it under any condition, but otherwise, I am wholly unfocused externally. I wish I could bring across the immense amount of myself I am sinking into... myself... just to reactivate lines of thinking and feeling deadened to a mote, while I was unemployed, and spending most of my time fighting off the idea that the Great Experiment had failed, so I could fall back into the Way of Failure as I always have. I felt a hell of alot worse than I let on, really, because I was even more tired of unloading my dramatic misery onto others, pointlessly. I've decided not to try to turn back now and glorify the mistakes and missteps made in my last job as a "learning experience" like I usually do. That past is dead, what I learned has been taken already, and the future looms all-encompassing as it is. It's not that I don't want to move on, but that moving on itself is a useless practice from which I gain entirely too little. That kind of empowerment is a raft that helped cross the river once or twice, but now needs to be cut free before I walk along the shore I've arrived. Buddha says so, and for once, I'll trust in someone bigger than myself for that. Even if I'm him. But we won't go there, quite yet. To summate: I never knew chaos could be this comforting.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home