I've been promising myself that I would blog bef0re I settled into bed, after coming in from work (when everyone else is leaving for it,) but I've no desire to sit at my desk and be constructive then. Compromise comes. I'm in bed now. And online. All hail Avram. H is moving out, but looks like she's leaving the wireless hub up for now. So we'll see how this works out. The problem is blogging after bed, is I lose so much of the trains of thought, with their subtler instinctive connections, that I built patrolling at work, with that much time difference. Hell, I barely remember my own name when I get up. I could start writing at work, because they let the back door guys get away with alot of personal computer use.. I saw my supervisor using Paint during his short watch last night... but considering the relation of work and the computer in my last job's disastrous plummet, I'm good to be wary. But with time, we'll see. All they really want the back door guys to be aware of anyone coming for their employee IDs and that's a bare percentage of the time there.

It's just the right kind of irony that in the end, that I passed up the riskier shuttle job for this less-paying but steadier job. It would be alot easier if I didn't carry my childhood resentment of external structure as a control source, but the truth is undeniable, that for now, the anchor of this cheeseball job, with it's low expectations and wide open times, is exactly what I need. I think I'm probably more upset, under the emotional currents of relief and curiousity, that I am definitely in a major time of confluence, where so many things are coming together without much say-so on my part, or control over timing and delivery. It's hard to accept something I've always understood, but long desired to be wholly wrong.

There was a time when I thought spirituality... and life, in general, was about power through understanding. Like some Kabbalistic wizard-rabbi, if I knew a thing, I had mastery over a thing. And then I swung another direction crazily, into the intensity of belief.. That if I believed something, on faith, built by mind and heart, and all that, I would feel the connection to the Big Cosmic Banana. I'm just getting over that enough to work on what trying something I've picked up and dropped so often, because I don't like the ego ramifications.. That I am defined in a greater scheme of things by my Awareness without the real need for Belief, or Understanding. It's hard to describe how much I hate this idea. It's as close to surrendering to the "enemy" as I can imagine, and old soldier of the psychic wars, I can't ever surrender. Uneasy peace through bad truce or icy detente, yes... but surrender? Never! This is one of those points where it would seem natural to wax reflective about how all this is part of the great "journey" or some vaguely predetermined "crucible," but that's crap, really. It's good to know these truths in my past, for perspective, but they are no longer really "truths," as they no longer help me live best now, and I should own them little as they can hold me back. Damn you, Buddha, for teaching me this. Just had to be said. Oh, yeah, Buddha is still kicking my ass.. and so is Zoroaster. I left these books on my unread shelf for years, and now I read them just when I need them. That's Awareness. It's the proverbial train wreck.... what was it that Woody once said. "I'm not afraid of my death. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Mmm.. well it's now getting past my bedtime. Not much more I can say on the confluence as it is. More than this, and I'd be forcing meaning that has yet to be.

Maybe later.

And I have to put up some stuff about Zoroastrianism and human rights too. And balance my checkbook.

Good night, friends.