11 days.... how much changes in 11 days. Hard to believe this is really the first time in nearly two weeks I've sat down before the blog. But then, I know I would never have been able to do so, until now, as only now am I finding the confidence to work the words to bring meaning to the fall of my employment. Yes, I have been terminated with unspoken prejudice. I feared if I sat down before now, all I would do is rail against my managers, management in general, and the powers that be. Or I would beat my chest and laud myself for my devout insubordination. But in the end, the company management fired be for that devout insubordination, and my victory is that I am without a means of support as that heinous management is still intently earning a paycheck, one larger than the one I earned. When I was much younger, I would have used such an event as evidence of the peculiar and singular oppression by the Cosmos, meaning would become justification for useless exercises of the ego. Whatever meaning can be gained, whatever attempt to relate to theological predetermination or blind universal randomness, is moot. Where the blame lies, in my willful blindness to the truth of authority, or their irrational practices of that authority, all those seem registered moot too. Any review of the choices made up to this point, and the factors affecting these choices, would be judgemental of me, without purpose. But in fact, purpose has so much to do with this. I feel so much the draw of a faith that I drew myself down this cascade of choices, even if there was a better way to get here, or less brutal and unstable, to follow the gravity of purpose, knowing or even being allowed to know, which path was necessary to have to face the challenge of a simple question.

That question would seem best if it was "Now what do I do with myself?" but that is still an unanswerable question, because I really can't even ask that within the constraints of external convention I keep myself lumbering, so that no matter how I change that question, the answer produced cannot express the full spectrum of the choices facing me, and provide the fulfillment of my purpose, which I for now will keep calling freedom. That question which could lead
to the the still unasked or unseen question I need to ask in a greatly new manner was presented to me by the climax of this employment fiasco. After underestimating the impact of my percieved (and actual) disrepect of my supervisor and his boss, the over-supervisor, and continuing the behavior which would spiral downward to the way I was entrapped, I was finally faced with the blatant and direct question of the oversupervisor: "Will you follow my direct orders unquestioningly?" And in that moment, which would cause me job and remind me laterthat principles still don't buy me groceries, I didn'tt even think about the answer given, since the choice was the inability of choicing anything else without selling out, a null condition. "No." I might have thought much more of my importance as a good officer, and not believed this would cost me my full employment by the company, but I doubt those realizations would have changed the choice made. Who I am is the question asked by the impact of the "Uh, No." answer to that question.
I do have alot more loose ideas of where all this is going to go, but those I need time, and in some cases, experience, to define in a manner that isn't another ego-drenched variance of false nonconformity, following in my father's steps, and priding myself for at least wearing different footwear. It's strange being encouraged by the stark exposure of my falsity and hypocracy in the face of deluding myself in the depth of my progress to this point, andnot worrying so much over a great deal of the expected self-abuse born of my lack of trust in myself and my direction before my God, as old tapes play laden with emotional static. Maybe, even given by the worst possible means, which could do great damage to the material independence I have worked so hard to build here, I couldn't see that I am not letting myself be free without affirming my basic need for heresy. Once again, onward, ever onward. I wonder if this is faith.