The irresistable gravity of the German tavern. Here I find myself even on a Saturday evening. The Indomitable I just left after a full shared afternoon in the U District. This week hasn't lent itself to blogging, full of the morass of both shared living and odious self-realization, and only after spending a good number of hours from the house do I feel like chronicling some. That and the beer helps, mildly. Honestly, I have wrote so little this week because I found more places my Ego has wormed its way into my process, where I didn't see its presence. The realization has left me with his deep distrust not of what I to say, but in how I say it. Then, with this in mind, there was a hyperdrama crisis, absurd in that way only the willful can make it, in the house, and I attempted to participate in the anti-climatic apex of a midnight "family" meeting, where my fears were amply proven, and why I mistrust my interpersonal perspective was even more proven than else. I managed to say exactly what I believed was right to say in the least productive manner possible. I would acclaim my talent, but I'm trying not to take pride in my abilities to fuck myself over, at the cost of friend and foe alike. But I should be so surprised in a week where a close online friend, for whom my love grows unbounded, told me I was accepting the paradigm of my father, without accepting the philosophy. The sense of my own hypocracy was intolerable, more for being true. There I was facing the fault of invasive ego into my perspective, invading my acceptance of other perspectives, and I was supposed to "help" in a debate I couldn't understand, and found inherently ridiculous. But it wasn't ridiculous, which made my inability to see it from another angle, undermining a skill I have proudly announced was one of my best, all the more starkly exposed.
I think the worst is seeing how much of my faith is simply obstinant conviction that I've raised to some elevated transcendant state. And the level of arrogance born of that was undeniable at last night's powwow. I feel pretty useless right now, no matter how much external affirmation is given. I hate to believe how narrow-minded I have made myself, but if I don't, I really am doomed to my father.
The best gain from this week is that least I know that I should remember always that my Way is not followed in the pursuit of truth, but in the pursuit of freedom.