It has been an especially hard few days, not just because I lost a day of work Monday, to solar overexposure working on a house project on Sunday. Neither is it the physical nicotine withdrawal, since I haven't smoked since Sunday evening, but it has added to the undesired arguement over my lifestyle. Although I am pleased with the exercise and all that, it still feels like some old emotional appeasement, as if I can get away with doing less by declaring to myself and others how swell I am for just doing this much. I can't escape this feeling that it will take more radical adjustments to my life, and how maintain it, and not done in such a minute incremental measure. Not like I plan to wander off to Arizona, live in an old gold mine, and wear the hair yamulke, but I can barely imagine how much clearer I might be without the other chemical and mental addictions. I'm supposed to be considering roughly a plan for the Fall, and all I do is sweat when I try, since I smack my barrier when I think even three days ahead. My lucidity is in a holding pattern as I keep just above the fog of sugar, nicotine, and fatty foods. Some man of societal freedom I am that immediate gratification is just as interwoven into my psyche as the average American. Here I am fretting about my tightening cash flow, when my idea of basic necessities include so much unnecessary crap, that I do solely as a comfort reliance, subconsciously programmed to consume as absolute requirment for stability maintanence. In other words, I have a really lousy idea of true moderation.