Might be a day earlier, but I guess I should celebrate the deathknell of this job in the same place and manner as I celebrated the demise of another work week. The German tavern, it is. Spaten Optimator and spreadable meat. Anyway, as just my basics burn away my meagre savings, this little beeranalia is my last great blast before I must commit to living more economically. Also this time tommorrow I might be starting a fast at the Other Jew's houseboat, mattering on when I get myself out there. I've been unsure if I would still do my solitary retreat, amongst the newly born chaos of job loss, but I will even if I don't pull off the "great" works I had hoped to generate pre-termination, since it might be wise to simply reset my head and heart, and keep the base philosophical cadence. It's a unhappy statement of how I still seperate the abstractions of my self from the "concrete" material functions of my "real" life, as if there were some division that could be held. I am sadly so much my father, and definitely much more of a Jew than I can write off in jest. I have alot more work than I could delude myself into believing I didn't have to do, to still have to do. There are no words to express how much I fucking hate this. I think it's just that much worse for the awareness that I really can't percieve what will come next. All I know, is for all the talk of employment possibilities, it's all bunk. I could care less about another service industry job, functioning blindly as a meaningless cog in a malfunctioning mechanism that only holds those who can take the end product important, and dehumanizes those living off the dregs of residue.

I'm going to have to face the laughable falsity of my pragmatism. I keep saying that I can make the system work for me, gaining the practical from the absurd, and gain the glory and majesty of the intellectual, when I am no more than another waste product of an artificial human system more concerned with bringing in, than letting out. How I can expect to gain freedom from something hard-wired to take away individual freedom is a massive and unteneous flaw I can ignore, as I appease myself in my short-term gains. Once, after bruising myself on my fall to bottom, I needed to value these near-future gains, to hold my present together without self-destruction, but now, I am growing beyond that, and what kept me going must become what I dreamt to be.

Yes, this is how the world works, and if I don't play the game, I probably will starve on the streets. I could stand by my principles without acting to create my own space, and that is probably. And then all I will have is the emptiness of the pride in principles that are comical to the Powers that Be. I have to answer the challenge to live true to my non-conformist beliefs without dying to prove their truth, whether that death is a living death or a true martyrdom. This is the time on the line between heresy and hypocracy. I've known for awhile that sooner, more than later, I would have to come to this place, and stand before the two paths. I know which one I have to take, I just don't know what it truly means. I have had all these ideas, for so long, of where I thought I might go, and none of them could produce something substantial because the aspirations and desires were personalized materialistic off-spins of some subconscious acceptance of my father. I told my therapist a deep deep truth, I cannot yet understand apparently, "How can someone really unconventional ever live conventionally and be happy?" I am Pellinore, always in pursuit of my Questing Beast, but never able to but sight my target, since I have become too enamoured with keeping the chase up as it always has been, or not finally sitting down in the shade of a great tree and let the beast keep running. Let alone that I fail to truly comprehend the meaning of my quest.

How can I capture myself if I follow someone's motion. Life is motion, and I must be moving, but still, what good is that unless I know the joy of living within my own motion.