This has been another weird week amongst a strange month... I worked two twelve hour shifts in a row, and miraculously missed a third one. I was late today because I was picking up the painkillers I would need if I worked that third shift. Six hours in to my shift, I was resigned that I would be working another six. As one can guess, my mood was less than stellar. Then on another pointless hourly patrol of an empty building, I cheered myself slightly with the thought of the extra funds for the move to Seattle, and I was thinking about the choices I had made lately, and the choices I've made all my life. And I started to remember a saying, that I just looked up to get right.. "We have to believe in free will, we have no choice." I did get the author right, Isaac Bashevis Singer. Zing. Clear Blue Truth. When I chose to leave school, that was my choice. When I chose to move to Seattle, that was my choice. These were acts of free will. I have been practicing will, but not free will, all this time. It was a subtle epiphany, but my head still is trying to process. It's like so many understandings, deep but isolated, are simultaneous trying to connect. Things that I've accumulated, people I've come to know, experiences I have gathered, now make more sense. It's not satori. I'm not going to start floating and dispensing wisdom for the ages. Even though, in California, I could make a good living doing that.
But I'm already seeing some things that are making me squirm It's just so weird, and so achingly absurd, to know that the reason I keep living as I always have lived, never testing my limits, just keeping myself distracted, and holding back from what I need to do, is because I know this is a choice I can make, that I have always made.

"Truth burns up error." Sojourner Truth