Lacking in posts again. But then what I got for Hannukah was my first cold of the season, and I spent four days laid up, and I am still working on the subsequent sinus infection. As if I needed to lay around and do nothing for another week...
I don't know how well this is going, really. I've been here a month and a half, and I've still found no work. I've rarely left the house, going downtown when forced by jobhunting or appointments. I know I haven't been here long, and it's winter, but I do have a reasonable fear that I'll just use the house as my shield from reality and not do what is needed for my life. It's hard to talk to the woman about it because she is happy to have a life where it is house-centric. Forget the Man, he's even harder to talk to because he's so superresponsible. It's like trying to talk to my dad, but without having to cut out the twisted humor. I don't want to confess to feeling lost. I want to believe I'm not. But I am. My life is bogging down in mundanity, and I'm finding it harder to read because it is harder for me to think clearly. I've lost my means of expression through gaming, as that's dried up nearly completely, and writing in this blog feels like a chore. Not that more than four people read it, and only two of them regularly, and one of those is me.
What am I doing here? no that's wrong. Why am I doing here? I feel nothing. I am free and I feel nothing. I hide the same as I did when I was not free, I lead the same limited life, physically, mentally, and spiritually, as I did before I was free. What is the point? That I get some job, and then maybe I will feel free. Why does their economics prejudge whether I am free? I chose to be free, so economics or not, I am free.
But when will I feel it?
Is it so much to ask to just want to feel it inside?
I don't know how well this is going, really. I've been here a month and a half, and I've still found no work. I've rarely left the house, going downtown when forced by jobhunting or appointments. I know I haven't been here long, and it's winter, but I do have a reasonable fear that I'll just use the house as my shield from reality and not do what is needed for my life. It's hard to talk to the woman about it because she is happy to have a life where it is house-centric. Forget the Man, he's even harder to talk to because he's so superresponsible. It's like trying to talk to my dad, but without having to cut out the twisted humor. I don't want to confess to feeling lost. I want to believe I'm not. But I am. My life is bogging down in mundanity, and I'm finding it harder to read because it is harder for me to think clearly. I've lost my means of expression through gaming, as that's dried up nearly completely, and writing in this blog feels like a chore. Not that more than four people read it, and only two of them regularly, and one of those is me.
What am I doing here? no that's wrong. Why am I doing here? I feel nothing. I am free and I feel nothing. I hide the same as I did when I was not free, I lead the same limited life, physically, mentally, and spiritually, as I did before I was free. What is the point? That I get some job, and then maybe I will feel free. Why does their economics prejudge whether I am free? I chose to be free, so economics or not, I am free.
But when will I feel it?
Is it so much to ask to just want to feel it inside?
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home